I was almost a wreck when I left home for Landings on Monday evening. Matthew was fine in the care of our new helper – all he did was look forlornly at me as I bade him goodbye (in a somewhat upbeat manner to mask the anxiety I was feeling). I was sure he was okay. How I interpreted that look though was: “Why is mummy leaving me behind?”
With much trembling, I walked to the lift, all the time with my little boy’s gaze following me. I didn’t even look behind cos I might just change my mind about going to Landings. By the time I got to the car, there were tears threatening to fall from my eyes and I was shaking all over.
I guess this separation anxiety is due largely to the fact that I haven’t been apart from him for four months? Except for the weekly visits to his grandparents’ (and even so, my relief at having time away for a while lasts only a couple of hours. After that, I just miss him so badly and want him back so dearly!), Matthew and I have been together every hour of everyday. But obviously, he’s not the one with separation anxiety. It’s all me.
So I got into the car, determined to make it to Landings. It was the night of the handover from one coordinator to another. I wanted to be there to support the mission, the people, the community, the work.
As I drove on, I was thinking about how my godma’s niece or nephew died in the care of their helper. I didn’t need those thoughts and so, said a quick prayer to God to calm my nerves and trust that all will be okay.
And then the God moment came.
All at once, I remembered all over again, how Matthew is firstly God’s child, and not mine. Yes, I will always have fears of losing him, as I think many parents do, but they should not be this crippling. And they need not be, because I can care for him as well as I try… and the rest is really, up to God.
In no way am I saying that all my concerns have been laid to rest. But in that moment in the car, when I wanted to just head home but know that I should stick to my commitment to be at Landings, I felt God’s reassurance in my little act of submission and reacknowledging that He comes first. Or at least, should come first.
It was truly a God moment because I felt the relief wash over me with the recommitment I made to Him. And technically, I didn’t even do anything. All I did maybe, was breathe out my anxiety and was honest with Him about how I felt. And even that small act can lead to such a renewal of faith.
God is Great, indeed.