The State of Being. Flat.
This is me. It’s a photo I took for Emma’s blog [www.emmathespy.wordpress.com] a week or so ago, but which I didn’t use. As with a ton of other thoughts I’ve been meaning to blog about, which I didn’t get to do.
I wish I could write more. It’s not so much a discipline issue these days, as it is a logistical one.
Juggling a newborn and a toddler (yes, Matthew is now a full-fledged running and talking toddler, a milestone he’s just reached within the last two weeks or so) – one who’s bordering on arriving at his “Terrible Twos”, is quite a challenge!
Fearing as much as I did that Matthew would feel left out with the presence of Emma, I strove hard to pay him as much attention as I did, which of course, is not feasible considering the amount of time I have to make him wait and be patient while I nurse Emma, or change her diaper, etc.
Which then leaves me with a lot of guilt that poor Emma is just plain neglected, unlike Matthew at her age who got loads of my time and attention. So when he’s down for his nap, and she’s awake, I spend as much time as I can with her until she drifts off to slumberland again. Then I take a quick shower in the middle of the afternoon (my compromise, my own Confinement Covenant – I will bathe, but I will do so while it’s as hot as it gets in the day)… settle down for a bit, and then realise I have only half an hour left before the boy awakes.
There’s time to write at nights, of course, but that means I don’t get the sleep I need before Emma awakes for her two- to three-hourly feedings (on good nights, she does one four-hourly stretch, and on bad nights, she awakes every hour or so). That is, if I’m even sane enough by the end of the day – it is incredibly exhausting just holding onto Patience especially when both Matthew and Emma need me at the same time. As Murphy (of the Law) would have it, Emma needs to nurse at exactly the same time that Matthew needs to be down for his nap and nighttime routine of winding down. Yes, I will adjust her schedule but that can only happen later, when she’s slightly older.
So for the first week that I got home from the hospital, I was pretty much flat, just trying to keep things together – quite a feat, really, considering that everything in my mind feels like cotton wool, or mush, or something similar. We bought the gingko nuts to help improve memory, but the two packets are still sitting in the refrigerator. I can barely hold onto my thoughts, and have to work really hard to attain some degree of clarity. I do hope this is a phase, and not an end-all result.
Well, I’ve learnt to make small adjustments to our routine at home in the last week, to accommodate both children’s needs better. But I haven’t figured out how to be present for Augz when he gets home from work, or to make some time to blog, which is something I do enjoy quite thoroughly. There is some time to read, but with the new Study Club we’ve formed (we’re reading “Forming Intentional Disciples” for Landings), all that time goes into reading this! Throw in the household errands and bits and pieces of things to do at home (I’m not even cooking and cleaning!), and the time for praying (also just barely scrapping by on that one), tending to phone messages and appointments, one really needs to wonder where that half hour of free time even comes from!
So that’s my life right now. It’s pretty packed and the days do go by quite quickly, not dully too, especially with Matthew being difficult every other day… and I think I’m slowly learning how to reintroduce my “gratitude practices” back into the routine. I miss looking for my God Moments of the Day, and the Happiest Moment of Today (sometimes they are one and the same, sometimes, the GMDs are not necessarily happy, but still profound or poignant). I hope to be more organised for Emma’s blog, and to find time to chronicle all that’s happening with Matthew. There’s a hot date in the planning to celebrate a belated anniversary of the day Augz and I met… all these happening in the midst of ongoing relationships we need to invest our time and hearts in, and those we need lots of guidance from above and around us, to heal and reconcile.
It’s almost Sunday now. I’m barely thinking straight, and have no real or clear idea what I just wrote. It’s not a bad state of being, almost like being nicely high before getting drunk. 😛