This has never happened to me before.

Around 4.30pm today, I rocked a stuffed panda to sleep as I sang the lullaby, “Rock-a-bye Baby”. The stuffed panda is a Christmas gift from Augz’ brother’s girlfriend, Petrina, whom Matthew calls Auntie Panda. It’s taken up residence on our couch and usually just watches the family at play without much participation.

On this particular afternoon, it was being indulged in, as Matthew and I took turns to bounce it on a balloon while Emma watched in fascination.

Shortly after was when I decided to cradle it in my arms and did the whole rocking to sleep routine without even being fully conscious of what I was doing.

“Rock-a-bye, baby, on a tree top,” I begin and suddenly, Emma snaps her head around to look at us.

With a fierce whimper as protest, she hastily toddles towards me, angrily plucks the panda from my arms and defiantly casts it aside, before plonking herself in my lap.

She was acting out her jealousy.

This has never happened to me before – I’ve never experienced a jealous and possessive baby before… Both Matthew and Emma never seemed to mind when I pay attention to other babies…

… and this feels ridiculously good.

So I proceeded to repeat the whole rocking-panda-to-sleep routine another three more times; each time, Emma would waddle over to get the offending creature out of my arms.

I was extremely moved by her gesture. It feels like such a long time ago that I was rocking her to sleep. She was too young then to even know what I was doing so it surprises me that on some level, she still recognises the lullaby and remembers our time together…

And can I just say, it feels sooooooo good to be so openly needed, wanted, chosen and possessed?

Augz always says, “Emma is more the ‘regular’ baby.” He is right. A lot of milestones I never experienced with Matthew is being gifted to me with the presence of this little flower of mine.

You are such a dear, sweet blessing, Emma! With you around, I feel whole again. If I never said it before, let me say it now: Emma, you complete me.

Can't rock you to sleep in my arms anymore, but I'll always cradle you in my heart.

Can’t rock you to sleep in my arms anymore, but I’ll always cradle you in my heart.


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